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bad mood
what is an elbonian worth?
my pointy-haired ways
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nobel prize
find the pattern
happiness smoothing
people who don’t need people
it’s like reality, without the screaming
why it was a good idea to attack iraq
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bad mood
i'm in a bad mood today. to cheer me up, i am inviting one of my critics to a one-on-one debate, to be posted in this blog.
if you think my views on any particular topic are stupid, make yourself known in the comments and i will debate you in this forum. for maximum entertainment value, i plan to pick the person i think is the biggest idiot and doesn't realize it. spectators should feel free to weigh in on who you think i should pick.
the rules of the debate are that both sides are free to insult the intelligence of the other. i will print your arguments unless they run on too long. there might be other reasons to censor your end of it, but i can't think of any.
feel free to weigh in on any topic from evolution to copyrights to science to god to foreign policy. you can start by stating your hallucination of my opinion, and then arguing with your hallucination. i'll join in when it seems right.
any takers?
november 12, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (189)
what is an elbonian worth?
most people would agree that in a hypothetical world where you had to kill one person from your own country (a stranger to you) versus one person from some other country (also a stranger) you would kill the foreigner.
but what if the question were, for example, a choice of killing one citizen from your own country versus two from another country? how about ten from another country, or a hundred? where’s your balance point?
assume none of the people “have it coming.” in this hypothetical situation, we’re not at war, and there is no greater good in the long run. it’s a simple choice of us or them. how many from another country would you kill to save one of your own?
november 12, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (167)
my pointy-haired ways
there's a big spread on the front of the new york times business section today, written by brad stone, about my lack of management skills. it's more entertaining than whatever drivel i was planning to spew today, so i direct you to it:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/11/business/11dilbert.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
november 11, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (134)
pakistan
here’s a question for all philosotainers. are we better off if pakistan is ruled by a relatively rational and reasonable dictator pretending to be an elected president, who is an enemy of islamic fundamentalists, as is now the case with president musharraf, or by a real democracy that could end up run by islamic extremists with an arsenal of nuclear weapons?
i’ve supported the friendly dictator concept since september 11th. we need all the friends we can get. but i’m bothered by the fact we can’t go into the mountains of pakistan and weed out the terrorists. doing so would endanger musharraf, our ally, as i understand it, but i might have that part wrong.
if the mobs depose musharraf, as they are trying to do, and the result is something we don’t like, it seems like it gives us a free pass to enter pakistan. the islamic fundamentalists won’t hate us any more than they already do, and we might as well whack osama while the pakistani army is busy with the internal revolution. no matter what we think of iran, if osama starts pulling the strings in pakistan, it’s a much bigger problem.
thoughts?
november 10, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (171)
nobel prize
it’s important to have goals. my goal is to win a nobel prize. i’m not fussy about which one. it could be for physics, chemistry, psychology, medicine, peace, or even that squirrely one for economics. i can rule out literature, because sooner or later the judges would read something i wrote.
i think i could win the award for physics with my theory that the universe is shaped like a timeless, motionless donut, and your consciousness is like an ant walking toward the center. here i’m depending heavily on at least one of the nobel judges being hungry during the judging. and it wouldn’t hurt if one of them is an ant.
i might win the award for chemistry for my discovery that diet coke and protein bars can be combined with a human being to create crap-like blog posts. i don’t know how many times i have to replicate that experiment before i get the recognition i deserve.
i could win the award for psychology for my groundbreaking discovery that the phrase “moist robots” can be used to dismissively describe all human activity that annoys me. you might think there are plenty of professionals in the field of psychology who are doing more prize-worthy research, but an equally valid point of view is that they are moist robots who hate animals and enjoy hanging around with nuts.
the nobel prize for peace seems the easiest to win. i already suggested that dreamworks create a cgi version of osama and have it tell al-qaeda they each get 1,000 virgins in the afterlife if they eat sand until they die. if anyone has a better idea, they won’t win any prizes by keeping it a secret.
i might win the award for medicine for telling my friend steve that magnesium supplements would reduce the swelling in his knees after exercise. it worked for me and it worked for steve. so if you need a placebo and can’t find sugar pills, try magnesium supplements. they’re like magic.
the economics prize should be mine for my discovery that everything you need to know about investing can be put in nine bullet points. and i’m not the only one who thinks that. there’s also “some guy on the internet” who agrees:
http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/story.aspx?guid=%7bbe57f0aa%2d03d9%2d4320%2dbc4d%2d83363b6372f6%7d&siteid=
the main reason i want to win the nobel prize for whatever-the-hell is because it would help in my ongoing quest to win all conversations. after winning the prize, the next time i have friends over to the house, i’ll steer the conversation toward the field where i won my award and wait for someone to say something i disagree with. then i’ll say, “let me get you a coaster for that drink.” i’ll disappear into the den and come out with my laminated nobel prize certificate and slip it under his beverage. then i’ll lean back and say, “please, go on.”
the inconvenient part about winning the nobel prize is that there is some social pressure to give the million dollar prize money to charity. i’d have to look at the rules, but i don’t think they can take back the prize if you announce you plan to use the money for plastic surgery, because you always wanted tusks.
recently i placed 21st on a list of the top 50 thinkers.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/career_and_jobs/article2823746.ece
making the top 50 thinkers list is to the nobel prize what beatification is to sainthood. it’s okay, but nothing you’d want to laminate and use as a coaster. i know it won’t win any conversations because if i whip that list out, someone will point out that donald trump beat me out, and he uses dryer lint for hair.
so i wait.
november 09, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (126)
find the pattern
i was just talking to a friend who said he booked a trip to ireland on aer lingus. this made me wonder what would happen if that airline merged with, oh, let’s say continental airlines. this new company, potentially named conaerlingus, would get people’s attention. but would you be concerned about your flight going down?
for some reason this reminds me of one of the great mysteries of life: why do attractive women pay for massages? for most of us, there’s a good reason we pay another human to rub us for an hour. if we didn’t offer money, or reciprocate with some rubbing of our own, no one would take the job. but if you are a hot woman, lots of people would volunteer to spend an hour rubbing your nearly naked body for free. so in a sense, an attractive woman isn’t paying for the same thing everyone else is. for her, the massage is always free, and she’s paying someone to pretend it isn’t.
moving along, i have long maintained, and have been mercilessly mocked for, my opinion that voting is irrational for an individual. while i support the system as a whole, wherein potential revolutionaries are transformed into docile citizens via the illusion of having some influence on election outcomes, it is irrational to vote as long as many others do. here’s a better take on this idea from some people who have something i don’t, i.e. credibility:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/06/magazine/06freak.html?_r=1&n=top%2ffeatures%2fmagazine%2fcolumns%2ffreakonomics&oref=slogin
what did my three topics today have in common? (there is a real answer.)
[answer: all three topics are things that happen before you get screwed.]
november 08, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (233)
happiness smoothing
when you see people who are struggling in life, you probably feel an urge to help. you might talk yourself out it, because you have your own problems, or you don’t know how to help in any lasting way, or there are just too many people in need. but you have the urge to help those less fortunate. it’s in your dna. you’re good people.
on the flip side, when you see people who are happier than you, your natural urge is to guide them back to the average. for example, if you have a coworker who breezes through his own workload and uses the spare time to enjoy himself, your natural impulse is to ruin his day by dumping some of your work on him. you call it “teamwork,” and there’s no denying it boosts productivity, but that’s not your motivation. at some fundamental human level, you want the people who are happier than you to dial it back a notch. it’s in your dna. sometimes you’re not good people.
in my corporate career, i had a happy coworker who taught me how to defend against this tendency in others to thwart the happiness around them. with people he trusted, he revealed his happiness, and flaunted the fact that his job was easy and stress free. but when anyone outside the inner circle approached, he started complaining like a pirate caught in a steel trap. he had lots of old-timey phrases like “up to my ass in alligators” and “stomping out fires” and “slogging through the swamp.” to hear him tell it, life was one long turd sandwich. each misery led to the next. he would keep it up until the threat of teamwork passed. by the time he was done with you, all you wanted to do was help this poor bastard any way you could. i was slow to adopt this method, but soon learned it was the only way to protect my little nugget of happiness. it was a godsend.
for the first six years of my cartooning career, i kept my full-time job at the phone company. i told people it was for the money, or the stimulation, or the fodder. those factors were important, but the main reason was to disguise my happiness. i knew that if did nothing but happily doodle for a few hours every day, and got paid, the thwarters would come out in droves. i told people i worked seven days a week, and every holiday (which was true), but it wasn’t as painful as it sounds. it turns out that as soon as you don’t need to be working for financial reasons, the stress of your job dissolves, and it starts feeling a lot like a hobby.
in retrospect, i think my perceived pain is what helped make my first book, the dilbert principle, a #1 best seller. it was a humorous book about my workplace unhappiness, and people reflexively wanted to help lift me up to the average happiness. so they bought my book. the book got great reviews, but there are plenty of good books that don’t become best sellers. my story had just the right amount of pain to put people on my side.
lately, as a semi-famous cartoonist, it has become harder to appear unhappy to others. 99.99% of the world would switch jobs with me if they had the chance. now the most common comment i get when i mention my new book on this blog is “aren’t you rich enough already?” my perceived happiness is working against me. humans aren’t wired to make happy people happier. we’re wired to bring happy people back to the average.
with that in mind, i have modified my marketing for my new book. first, i should point out that researchers have discovered that people’s happiness has a “set point” that doesn’t change much no matter the external circumstances. so buying my book won’t make me any happier in the long run. (i’m fairly certain that’s true.)
second, consider what happens with every dollar that goes to me at this point in my life. i live an embarrassingly modest lifestyle. no yachts, no second homes. i dress like a blind hobo most of the time. my biggest extravagance is using a new can of balls twice a week when i play tennis. so an extra dollar for me will help fund the 401k for some guy who puts the fuzz on dunlop tennis balls. (that’s an actual job.)
at this point in my life, realistically, every incremental dollar i make will flow to fellow citizens who would otherwise be below the average happiness level. i have enough money for my own purposes, unless i start buying golden slippers for the cat. so rest assured that if you buy my book, stick to drawing comics, monkey-brain! your money will not contribute to my happiness in the least. but it will flow through me and indirectly help a wide variety of wretched souls who are below average in happiness. you could give money to the needy directly, but then you wouldn’t have my book to read. you deserve a little something for your kindness.
i pay the maximum tax rate. i have no mortgage deductions, no tax shelters. over 40% of my earnings go to fund your social security, provide valuable services for children and the elderly, and make our men and women in uniform safer. but if you don’t think any of those people deserve more happiness, just forget i brought it up.
did that work?
book link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=utf8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkcode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeasin=1591841852
november 07, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (224)
people who don’t need people
did you read about the zimbabwean female athlete who has a penis, a vagina, and a last name of sithole? that’s what i call covering all the bases.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4249949.stm
the athlete claims she was born with both male and female sex organs, and a traditional healer made the penis “disappear” for a while. i can imagine the healer’s thought process during his treatment. it probably went something like this: “how can i make this penis disappear? if only there were some sort of compartment, or crevice nearby that was coincidentally the right size to hide a penis. wait a minute…hello!”
those traditional healers have a good racket. they just yank some weeds out of the ground, grind them up with some crickets and goat blood, wave them over the patient, and declare him healed. if the patient doesn’t get better, just blame him for underpaying you.
patient: “it has been a week since you waved those weeds at me and i am still covered with boils.”
healer: “oh yeah? well, the chicken you gave me lays small eggs, so i guess we’re even.”
i can’t help wondering how the follow-up visit with ms. sithole and her healer went.
sithole: “my penis reappeared. what should i do?”
healer: “go f**k yourself, sithole.”
sithole: “what?!!!!”
healer: “seriously. pay the receptionist one chicken on the way out. and make it a good one or you’re going to grow another penis on your forehead.”
november 06, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (78)
it’s like reality, without the screaming
last week i appeared “live” in the virtual world of second life to promote my new book. (have i mentioned it?) my avatar (a character that looks like me) answered questions in a theater packed with other avatars. then i let them come on stage and kick my in the ‘nads.
the scene was captured by a viewer and posted on youtube. now you too can enjoy watching me get pummeled.
about 60% into the video, an avatar that looks like dilbert appears and attacks me. it was art imitating life, imitating art beating the crap out of something imitating me. truly weird. if you know any dilbert readers, they might enjoy this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh_28ei4sme
there is also a dogbert in the video, but when he is in kicking mode, he grows giant frog legs so it’s not so obvious it’s him in this particular clip. and there is a chat going on that you can't see, so it's quite a party on stage. in the end, i dance with dilbert.
second life is already nerdily delicious, but as computing power increases, and the images become increasingly photorealistic, it’s hard to imagine wanting to travel in real life to have a meeting. you might want to meet people once just to be sure they exist. but after that, the avatar would do.
and with a bit more programming, those avatars can have the illusion of being sentient. they could interact online without your guidance and learn things and make friends. they might even be programmed to believe they have free will. i give it ten years.
in second life, they have a currency called linden dollars. you can earn them and trade them for real money. in theory, someday you could program a little donald trump avatar and have him go earn money for you in the virtual world and wire it to you in the real world.
my theory, as regular readers know, is that you and i are already avatars in someone else’s virtual world. whenever we think we are losing money, say by gambling or investing or paying taxes, we are really just wiring money to our overlords.
special thanks to aimee weber for creating my avatar and managing the second life event. her whole team was great.
aimee weberaimee weber studiowww.aimeeweber.com
and thanks to second life embedded journalist w. james au (www.nwn.blogs.com) for hooking me up with aimee’s studio and making the whole thing happen.
november 05, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (70)
why it was a good idea to attack iraq
sometimes, just to test my point of view, i like to take the opposite side and defend it. for example, i think attacking iraq was a huge mistake. so today i will make my best argument for the other side.
first, you have to separate the outcome, which is unknown, from the original decision to attack. hypothetically, it could be a good decision to attack, based on what you knew at the time, but things could go wrong for unforeseen reasons. likewise, it could have been a bad decision to attack, based on the evidence at the time, and somehow by luck, things might turn out well. so you have to look at the decision and the outcome separately.
for the outcome, i would argue no one can predict the fate of iraq more than a few years out. for situations this complex, the unintended and unpredictable consequences generally dwarf the predictable parts.
lots of people have died in iraq, and will continue to die. we created a breeding ground for terrorists. we took our eye off of the ball in terms of catching bin laden when we had the chance. and it will cost a trillion dollars. the costs are immense.
on the plus side, iraqi kurdistan is doing well, and might become the sixth largest source of oil reserves. if they avoid war with turkey, they could become a prosperous democracy regardless of what happens to the rest of iraq.
al-qaida overplayed its hand in iraq and proved it’s not a war between the christian crusaders and islam. al-qaida targeted muslims and caused the u.s. and the locals to join forces against them. that could turn out to be a good thing in terms of the battle for the hearts and minds of muslims.
iraq is al-qaida’s flypaper. they entered iraq in large numbers, discredited their own movement by killing muslims, and are now getting killed themselves. they did what the united states couldn’t do on its own, in making the u.s. occupation seem beneficial to the security of the locals.
violence in iraq is trending down. no one thinks there is a smooth ride ahead, but it’s obvious to all parties that continued violence isn’t going to make life better for anyone. there’s no “winning” to be had. now that the u.s. presence is improving security, and our forces are moving up the learning curve in figuring out how to be less hated and more useful, there’s a legitimate chance that things could keep trending well.
the cost of the war in iraq is immense. but it has several potential benefits:
1. al-qaida showed itself to be everyone’s enemy.2. iraq has potential to be a u.s. ally, even if true democracy doesn’t take hold.3. the u.s. sharpened its war-making tools and showed it is willing to use them.4. iraqi oil production will eventually increase, even if it takes 20 years.5. the u.s. has a permanent military base in the middle east.
on balance, are these benefits worth the costs? probably not. but all of the unintended consequences haven’t played out. for example, in the long run, i’d expect events in iraq to have a big impact on iranian politics. some of those changes could be good for u.s. interests.
what about the original decision to invade? if you believe the president knew iraq had no weapons of mass destruction, it was clearly a bad decision. i believe the president and his advisors believed we would find wmd. after all, saddam had a history of seeking wmd, a motive for doing so, and he resisted inspections.
if there is a tiny chance your sworn enemy is building nuclear weapons, and you have a nearly 100% chance of stopping him, even at a very high cost, it seems sensible to do it. it would be rational self defense to risk losing thousands of u.s. troops to reduce the perceived risk of nuclear attack on the u.s. by 1%.
if you say you knew there were no wmd in iraq, you’re either a liar or an idiot. it was unknowable. if you thought there was a 1% chance saddam was building wmd that could get into terrorist hands, then the decision to attack iraq was rational for american self defense, even if the outcome turns out bad.
from a moral perspective, the huge iraqi losses have to be included in the calculation. morally, you wouldn’t want to kill a thousand people in a different country to protect one person in your own. but from a national defense perspective, which is the responsibility of the president of the united states, he has to count american lives as more valuable than other lives. that might seem evil, but that’s the job we hired him for.
all things considered, the decision to attack iraq was correct, given the perceived risk of saddam developing wmd. likewise, the decision not to attack north korea is rational because doing so would increase the odds of a nuclear attack on the u.s. and its allies, not decrease it. they already have functional nukes and a much tougher army.
when a venture capitalist invests in a particular company, and it goes out of business, he doesn’t conclude that he made a bad decision to invest. he concludes that his strategy is good because he only needs one in ten companies to succeed.
likewise, you can’t view the decision to attack iraq in isolation. it is part of a larger hard-ass policy of attacking anyone who looks like they can be conquered at an acceptable cost and might pose catastrophic risks to our security. to pick an obvious example, if we attacked iran, and discovered they are building a nuclear weapon and planning to use it, that would validate the strategy of attacking iraq. one out of two ain’t bad.
in fact, if we attacked three or four countries looking for wmd, and found none, it still doesn’t invalidate the strategy. you only need to find one country that actually has them, and might use them, to make the entire strategy sensible. at the very least, all that attacking gives some teeth to the u.n. inspectors.
that’s my best argument for why attacking iraq was both sensible at the time and might work out well in the long run.
i just wish i believed it.
november 04, 2007 in general nonsense | permalink
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comments (208)
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