claude knobler's hollywood report
claude knobler's hollywood report
and they all knew shirley maclaine: the past lives 6 stars believe they lived
1) sean connery-an alcoholic railroad builder who had two wives. alcoholic, check. two wives, check. it's that part about building railroads i'm not sold on.
2) phyllis diller-a german housewife who had 7 children: i just don't think anyone would have sex with phyllis diller 7 times even if she was a few hundred years younger.
3) sylvester stallone-an american indian and a french nobleman beheaded during the revolution: i don't know about that first one, but i'm pretty sure someone would have taken off his head just for making cobra.
4) robin williams-shakespearean actor in elizabethan england: right until he got fired for ad libbing fart jokes during his "to be or not to be" soliloquy
5) tina turner- cabaret dancer in france: so, she's still got basically the same job, only now she can't even speak french. i don't think she's really moving forward, do you?
6) john travolta-silent film star rudolph valentino: but what's really freaky is that the guy who played horshack thinks he used to be greta garbo.
a rose, is a rose, is a noodlemantra: 4 fake names johnny depp has used while staying at hotels
1. oprah noodlemantra: ever wonder why the other oprah doesn't use a last name? well...
2. mr. donkey penis: depp says he uses this one because he likes to hear it on his morning wake up call. especially after having to spend the whole night hearing that he's really built like a shetland pony.
3. santa del vecchio: odd, i didn't know santa was italian.
4. mr. stench: bet the hotel operators use that one when they talk about him a lot more than mr. donkey penis.
bet those bed time stories were pretty hot: 3 stars who had children with their children's nanny's
1) robin williams: williams left his wife for their son's nanny marsha, who now produces his films. the two have also had children together, none of whom have ever met, seen or been near a babysitter.
2) steven seagal: the action star convinced his wife to name their child arrissa, after their babysitter. later it was revealed seagal was slipping with the sitter. later he married her. seagal's ex-wife has since petitioned a court to rename the child she had with seagal, since calling her daughter, 'that lying b*&%# arrissa' is really messing with the kids head.
3) there is no #3. i just felt really bad about doing such a short list. but the day is young and jack nicholson has kids so stick around.
and she always left the seat up: 5 famous women who proposed to their husbands
1) daryl hannah: proposed to mark halperin the day they met. they got married one day later, but in a shocker, the marriage didn't last. i guess they just grew apart.
2) joan collins: the dynasty star proposed to anthony newley. newley later said collins would sell her own bowel movements for attention or money. see, that's why people should always register for gifts.
3) jerry hall: once told mick jagger he had to marry her within 10 years or she'd leave him. he got a 3 year extension, then did indeed marry her. the irs should only be so lenient.
4) queen elizabeth: it is widely believed her majesty popped the question to prince phillip. and believe me, it's pretty hard to say no to a woman who's got her own scepter.
5) zsa zsa gabor: proposed to her first husband when she was just 15. has had 9 husbands, so it's kind of a good thing she got an early start.
the trouble with tone deaf tribles: 4 star trek actors who released really bad albums other than william shatner
1) leonard nimoy: recorded 5 albums, including two sides of leonard nimoy (neither was good), the way i feel (tone deaf apparently) and mr. spock's music from outer space. songs included i'd love making love to you, as scary as an image as i can ever remember having.
2) nichelle "uhura" nichols: included the hit single, "beyond antares." the planet antares being by the way, the only place the album sold.
3) brent "data" spiner: the cd was called, "ol' yellow eyes is back." dreamy, huh?
4) grace lee "yeoman janice rand" whitney: a disco album. but it wasn't nearly as good as the one made by john "the guy in the red shirt who always dies in the first 5 minutes" smith.
you mean your mom wanted people to call you that? 6 actors who kept their very strange real names
1) marlon brando: you know he couldn't have been a beautiful baby if they named him after a fish.
2) humphrey bogart: of course he grew up to be a tough guy. you're named humphrey you either learn to fight or hide.
3) clint eastwood: clint? they named a baby clint? what, were "rock," "butch" and "maddog" taken?
4) dustin hoffman: and don't forget his brothers, vacuuming, cleaning and watching tv hoffman.
5) dolly parton: named after the barbie doll she grew to resemble.
6) elvis presley: sure it fits, the big question is, how did his parents know?
yeah, but wasn't thomas edison in showgirls? 4 celebrity inventors
1) donna douglas (elly may clampett on the beverly hillbillies): invented critter country classic pet colognes. they also double as a tasty sauce in case your pets become roadkill.
2) yakov smirnoff: the comedian invented shower notes, a waterproof pad for taking down brilliant ideas in the shower. or really bad ideas, like say a waterproof pad for taking down ideas in the shower.
3) julie newmar: the catwoman from the old batman series invented cheeky derriere, a special brand of pantyhose that provided a "balloon look for the buttocks," instead of flattening them like ordinary hose. they were used to great effect by batman's arch enemy, "bubble butt."
4) zeppo marx: invented a coupling device for wwii bombardiers. i don't know what a coupling device is either, but can you believe that a guy named "zeppo" did?
or you could just switch to sanka: 4 famous insomniacs and their really weird ways of falling asleep
1) marlene dietrich: the actress swore the only way she could lull herself to sleep was with a sardine and onion sandwich. yup, right after she was done vomiting, she'd just drift right off.
2) w.c. fields: when fields couldn't fall asleep in his bed, he'd wrap his face in hot towels and lie in a barber's chair, since he liked getting shaves and haircuts. when that didn't work, he'd try to sleep on his pool table. as a last resort, fields would lie under a beach umbrella being sprinkled by a garden hose. the sound of the "rain" would knock him right out. as did the sound of the 8-ball hitting his skull the few times he was lying on the pool table while it was in use.
3) tallulah bankhead: the actress hired gay male companions to hold her hand until she fell asleep. a popular method also used by richard simmons.
4) groucho marx: when the comic genius couldn't sleep, he'd get out his phone book and call people in the middle of the night to insult them. especially harpo, since he of course couldn't talk back.
i guess "i'm stoned and stupid" was taken, huh? 10 bad names celebrities gave their children
1) barbara hershey's son free: free hershey. that's not a name, it's a coupon for candy.
2) michael jackson's son prince: when he changes his name, will he be known as the sicko's son formerly known as prince?
3) keith richards' daughter dandelion: why am i not surprised he'd name his kid after weed?
4) ron howard's children: bryce dallas, jocelyn carlyle and paige carlyle: all got their middle names from the place where they were conceived. jocelyn and paige were "made" at the carlyle hotel. i'm pretty sure you can guess where bryce dallas was born. i feel really bad for the oldest kid, howard, though... howard johnson howard.
5) frank zappa's daughter moon unit: what kind of guy names his daughter "unit?"
6) frank zappa's son dweezil: oh, that kind of guy.
7) richard pryor's daughter rain: he was just hoping she'd be able to put him out.
8) david bowie's son zowie: if it had been a girl she'd have been named gowie.
9) steven seagal's daughter arissa: the action star convinced his then wife to name their daughter after their babysitter. later it was revealed seagal was sleeping with said baby sitter. seagal is now married to the babysitter; his ex-wife and her new son, milk man jones, are doing fine.
10) john travolta's son jett: travolta loves flying. he has another hobby he loves even more, but his wife wouldn't let him name the kid eating a shitload of pork rinds travolta, no matter how much he begged.
come and knock on our door·or maybe you'd rather not: 5 weird celebrity roommates
1) shelley winters and marilyn monroe: they shared a $200 apartment when they were both poor and struggling. tragically they were evicted when winters attempted to eat their landlord.
2) marlon brando and wally cox: cox, best known for playing "mr. peepers" on tv, and brando became such close friends that after cox's death, brando had him cremated and still talks to his ashes to this day. psychologists say it's perfectly normal except for those few times brando used the ashes as a substitute for bacon bits.
3) dennis wilson from the beach boys and charles manson: manson and a dozen young girls who were members of his "family" stayed with the singer in 1968. i'm guessing that had something to do with the fact that manson organized orgies and believed everyone should have sex 7 times a day. wouldn't it be nice·
4) david niven and william f. buckley jr. : niven roomed with errol flynn when he was a young struggling actor, but roomed with the noted conservative commentator buckley when both were older and well established in their fields. don't ask, and dear god don't tell.
5) cary grant and randolph scott: grant and cowboy-star scott lived together till grant got married. then after grant divorced they moved back in together. then grant married and scott moved out. then grant divorced and he and scott moved back in together. gee, ain't it a shame poor cary could never make a marriage work?
but i promise not to show pictures: 8 really odd hollywood couples
1) danny kaye and laurence olivier: the actor and the comic were both married, but both had arrangements with their wives. at one point kaye posed as a custom inspector so he could strip search olivier. me, i prefer dinner and a movie.
2) barbara walters and roy cohen: walters was still in college when she began dating cohen, an aide to "red baiting" senator joseph mccarthy. she never knew that cohen was gay, though after their first date she did find out he'd choose pine if he had to pick one kind of tree to be.
3) doris day and sly (of the family stone): contrary to what you may have heard however, mister rogers did not date linda lovelace.
4) marlon brando and dynasty star joan collins: ew. that's all, just, ew.
5) marlon brando and pretty much anybody
6) milton berle and marilyn monroe: hey, if the legend about him is true, at least she didn't have to get that close to him.
7) albert einstein and marilyn monroe: you know that einstein guy was pretty smart, wasn't he?
8) albert einstein and milton berle: not really. just wanted to see if anyone had read this far down.
wait, was that days or years? 5 hollywood marriages that actually lasted
1) charlton and lydia heston, married 57 years: if they ever do split up, let's hope she keeps the guns and the ammo.
2) jimmy cagney and frances "bill" vernon, married 63 years: well sure, if you love her enough to not mind her middle name being bill, what could ever make you split up?
3) bud and betty abbott, married 55 years: okay, let me get this straight. i'm married to "who," you're married to "what" and "i don't know" is my mother in law?
4) bob and dolores hope, married 67 years and counting: you know how they call the 50th the golden anniversary? well when you get to 70 it's the fort knox.
5) w.c. fields and harriet hughes, married 46 years. someone once asked fields why he never drank water. he replied, "because fish f*&k in it." uh, okay, that doesn't have anything to do with marriage, but come on, it's a great line.
and roseanne was the bearded lady: 5 stars who ran away and joined the circus
1) cary grant: began his career as a professional tumbler. that's what they call falling down a lot when you're as good looking as cary grant. 2) yul brynner: brynner spent three years as a trapeze artist. which took extra guts considering that in a pinch his partner couldn't catch him by his hair.
3) w. c. fields: fields worked as a juggler from the ages of 14-20. which couldn't have been easy given the fact that he was drunk so often, ¸ the time he saw three of everything anyway.
4) burt lancaster: lancaster was a professional tumbler. not in the heidi fleiss way.
5) tiny tim: before tiptoeing through the tulips, tim sang in circuses under the name larry love, the singing canary. later he was forced to quit when the canaries' union protested.
nuttaphobia: 6 celebrities with really weird fears
1) natalie wood: the actress suffered from hydrophobia, the fear of water. then again, maybe she was psychic, she died drowning, which almost never happens on land.
2) sid caesar: the comedian suffers from tonsurphobia, the fear of haircuts. happily, he's now bald.
3) steven spielberg: the director suffered from fear of elevators and refused to ride in one for a decade. that changed of course when, after making more money than god, he bought the sky and needed to commute.
4) alan ladd: the cowboy star suffered from ornithophobia, the fear of birds. which explained why he never crossed over into pirate films. see, cause, they have parrots on their shoulders. never mind.
5) dean cain: cain, who played superman on tv, suffers from acrophobia, a fear of heights. mostly he's concerned, he'll smack into some guy in tights and a cape.
6) stanley kubrik: the director suffered from aerophobia, fear of flying. okay, maybe that one isn't weird, but from the man who directed 2001? that's like kevin costner having longbaddullmoviephobia.
mom??? when are they going to invent tv? i'm tired of watching farting guys get stung by bee's: 5 really, weird, pre-1900 dead celebrities
1) tommy minnock: entertained crowds at the turn of the century by having himself nailed to a cross while he sang, "after the ball is over." your punch line here.
2) daniel wildman: thrilled 18th-century audiences by riding around a circus ring, while swarms of bees surrounded his face, then moved away to specific locations at his request. a man who can control bees. why, i am i guessing he did real well when it came time to pass the hat.
3) mathew buchinger: could play a dozen instruments and was an expert pistol shot, bowler and magician. impressive given that he stood 28 inches high and had no arms or legs. gary coleman sucks.
4) orville stamm-the strongest boy in the world: stamm was a singer. of course, he did his singing after a piano was lowered onto his chest. sure britney spears can do it, but she had to have surgery first.
5) joseph pujol-le petomane: joseph was very big in france where he entertained crowds by farting popular songs, thus paving the way for the french love affair with jerry lewis.
and you thought that brooke shields sitcom was bad: 6 really, really bad unsold tv pilots
1) pests: a man moves to nyc and shares an apartment with three, three-foot tall, talking cockroaches. based, i might add, on a true story.
2) steele justice: a cop brings his dead son's toy robot to life to help him fight crime. personally, i'd have teamed up with the big roaches; they're scarier, and besides, how many crooks carry raid?
3) danger team: an inexperienced female pi solves crime with the help of three animated, clay figures. yeah, cause when you have a crime to solve, you want the pi with the play dough.
4) k-9000: a cop becomes telepathically linked to his talking, bionic, police dog, who also doubles as a cell phone. okay, at this point, you gotta wonder if maybe some of these crime fighters would be better off working alone.
5) dr. franken: a mad scientist makes a monster out body parts stolen from an organ bank. his sensitive 'monster' then spends his life finding the families of the organ donors and helping them with their problems. but what's with the name? did someone shorten frankenstein at ellis island so he'd look less jewish?
6) samurai: a half asian, half caucasian da by day becomes a crime fighting samurai warrior at night. and somewhere in japan, a crime fighting samurai warrior by day turns into a really bored and hostile tv viewer every night
smartt enough: 4 famous people who didn't graduate high school 1) richard pryor: expelled from grammar school after the principal found out his grandmother was a madam. later he was expelled from high school when he punched a science teacher named mr. think. so, do you figure that school had a gym teacher named mr. sweat?
2) peter jennings: dropped out. so you have three choices when you want to watch the network news. you can watch dan rathe,r even though no one understands what he's talking about, you can watch tom brokaw, even though no one understands him when he's talking, or you can watch jennings, even though he doesn't know what he's talking about.
3) cary grant: dropped out of high school, even though all of his female classmates offered to make him homecoming king. for life.
4) billy joel: dropped out of high school. hard to believe he was able to write lyrics like "uptown girl, she's been living in her uptown world," without a proper education.
so does this mean madonna used to be madonna smith? 3 famous people who dropped their last names
1) eddie albert (eddie albert heimberger): it wasn't for his acting career, the green acres star just got sick of being asked, " do you want fries with that heimberger?"
2) bela lugosi (bela lugosi blasko): "uhm, you sure you don't want to do something about that first name while you're at it?"
3) rudolph valentino (rudolph guglielmi di valentina d'antonguolla): it's a great stage name, it's just too long to fit on any one movie screen.
madonna is the madonna! 4 movies that would have been very different had the director's first choice taken the lead role
1) anthony hopkins as ghandi: he could fast for months before the british would have cared.
2) robert redford as michael corleone: robert redford· as marlon brando's son? only if the very handsome, blonde milkman had made the godmother an offer she couldn't refuse.
3) marlon brando as lawrence of arabia: there was only one snag, finding a camel big enough to hold him.
4) elvis presley as john norman howard in a star is born: elvis turned down the part because he didn't want barbra streisand bossing him around. good move, in real life princesses outrank the king.
5) sylvester stallone as axel foley in beverly hills cop: of course on the other hand, eddie murphy would have really sucked as rambo.
that must have been one horny baby: 8 impossible movie parents 1) sean connery as dustin hoffman's father in family business: connery was 58, hoffman was 51. i don't know what's more unlikely, that sean connery had a son when he was 7, or that, that son would turn out to look like dustin hoffman.
2) anne bancroft as katharine ross' mother in the graduate: bancroft was 36 , ross was 24. dustin hoffman by the way was 29. really you gotta wonder why everyone was so freaked out by a 29 year old guy sleeping with a 36 year old woman, instead of the fact that the 36 year old woman became a mom at 12.
3) angela lansbury as laurence harvey's mom in the manchurian candidate: she was 37, he was 34. what's really amazing is that angela lansbury was once 37.
4) blair brown as mark harmon's mother in stealing home: she was 39, he was 36 and in an amazing coincidence if you add those two numbers up you get the exact amount of people who saw that movie. 5) sean connery as harrison ford's father in indiana jones and the last crusade: connery was 58, ford was 46. of course if any 12 year old could become a dad, it would have to be 007.
6) jessie royce landis as cary grant's mother in north by northwest: get this, he was 55, she was 54. finally someone topped the virgin birth.
there but for the grace of m*a*s*h go i: 3 actors who made really bad unsold tv pilots before they found much better shows 1) alan alda in where's everett: before he became famous as hawkeye pierce, alda played a father who goes to get his morning paper and instead finds an invisible alien baby on his doorstep. his wife of course wants to raise it. well, at least now we know why hawkeye drank so much.
2) scott bakula in infiltrator: before he starred in quantum leap, bakula played a scientist who accidentally gets beamed into a spy satellite causing him to become a neon and metal crime fighting gobot whenever he gets mad. and you know what? i'm guessing that's the sort of thing that would make you mad most of the time.
3) peter boyle in poochinsky: before getting cast as ray romano's dad in everybody loves raymond, boyle played a cop, who after getting killed in the line of duty, is reincarnated as a flatulent old english bulldog. and the love scenes with the poodle were hot, hot, hot!
and only 3 are from angelina jolie and billy bob thorton! 6 really great quotes from 1999
1) "people the world over recognize me as a spiritual leader." steven seagal: yeah, when they recognize him at all.
2) "i'm in love with my brother." angelina jolie right after winning an oscar: and what's really great about that is, they can't even ever get divorced!
3) "you know when you love someone so much you can almost kill them? we nearly kill each other·i was nearly killed last night." angelina jolie after marrying billy bob thorton: man, can you imagine how relieved her brother must have been when angelina left him to marry billy bob?
4) "i was looking at her sleep and i had to restrain myself from literally squeezing her to death." billy bob thorton after marrying angelina jolie: so what are these two gonna do when they're getting divorced and they hate each other?
5) "i thought it was as boring as a dog's ass." mel gibson star of million dollar hotel, about the film, which has been released overseas but not in this country: and remember, that's just what he said to promote the film, imagine how what he'd say if he wasn't trying to get you to go.
6) "ah· zero." madonna when asked how she rated as a wife: bingo· unless, of course, that scale includes negative numbers.
i wouldn't watch that if i were you: 3 fairly recent and very stupid cases of censorship
1) mighty mouse: religious activists convinced cbs to cut a scene out of a 1988 episode because they thought the rodent superhero was sniffing cocaine. yeah, like it's just plain spinach that fills popeye with superhuman strength and rage.
2) today show: a report on substandard materials used in us industries contained a few negative comments about ge, the company that owns nbc. the comments were all removed from the anchors scripts prior to broadcast. apparently it was just a time problem, if they had kept those 3 nasty lines in the show they wouldn't have had time to do the story about how ge products help crippled orphans.
3) the last temptation of christ: when the cable network cinemax showed the film, they blacked it out in kansas, oklahoma and north carolina to avoid offending fundamentalists, substituting instead some fine family fare; rambo i-iv.
an "os" by any other name would smell as sweet: 5 celebrities who went by their middle name
1) dorothy dunaway (faye): named after the sweet little girl from the wizard of oz. but that's only because her parents didn't know the wicked witch's first name.
2) ruth davis (bette): maybe that's why she never learned to spell betty the right way.
3) daniel armstrong (louis): i'm not sure, but i think if he had gone by "danny" he'd have been jewish.
4) james mccartney (paul): so that means his real full name would have been james paul eggman mccartney, right?
5) marie winger (debra): marie debra winger. and if she had kept that she'd have been the prettiest girl at the dairy queen.
oedipus schmedipus, so long as they love their mothers: 5 celebrities who took their mother's maiden names
1) mel brooks: father's name was kaminsky, mother's name was brookman. if he'd compromised he'd be mel brooksky, the biggest star in the polish cinema.
2) lauren bacall: born betty perske, took her mother's maiden name of bacal and added an "l." her father wanted her to keep some of his name, but frank bacall didn't sound sexy enough.
3) diane keaton: the star of annie hall was born with that last name, but took her mother's name, "keaton" so she wouldn't be confused with another actress, diane hall. michael keaton believe it or not, was born michael douglas, but couldn't use that because michael douglas had all ready taken it. so keaton took his new last name because he liked diane keaton. diane hall of course took her name because she liked her hall monitor.
4) shirley maclaine: warren beatty and maclaine are brother and sister. both started with the last name "beaty," he added a "t" she took her mother's name maclean and added an "e." however beatty matched his sister's tribute by sleeping with every woman he could find who's name included an "a, e, i or u." okay, maybe that doesn't quite make sense, but you get the idea, right?
5) rita hayworth: born margarita carmen cansino, she shortened the first name, ditched her last name, took her mother's maiden name haworth and added a "y." if i did the same thing i think my name would be cla schlamevitzy.
and when she's done acting she wants to work for world peace: 5 actresses who won beauty contests
1) lauren bacall: a 17 year old bacall actually came in second in the 1942 miss greenwich village pageant but was awarded the title when the real winner turned out to be from new jersey and not new york. one year later however the original winner won the much more prestigious miss exit 39 contest.
2) sophia loren: the famed italian actress was in the audience of the miss rome pageant when one of the judges asked her to enter the contest. she came in second but in a more important way she did win, the judge in question was a producer who married her and then made her a star. and remember, that's just what happened to the runner up, the winner was elected mayor.
3) michelle pfeiffer: when pfeiffer got sick of working as a checkout clerk in a grocery store she entered a contest and was soon voted miss orange county, california of 1976, which soon led to minor roles in films like charlie chan and the curse of the dragon queen. but to this day, whenever someone asks for her autograph she still remembers to ask, "you want that on paper or plastic?"
4) cybill shepherd: shepherd went from miss teenage memphis to modeling for a department store. a modeling agent saw her and told her to enter the model of the year pageant. she won, which led to magazine covers, which led to an affair with elvis presley and then stardom. as opposed to what winning the miss teenage memphis contest usually leads to: winning the miss middle aged and bitter about living in memphis contest.
5) raquel welch: was the winner of the following contests: miss photogenic, miss la jolla, miss fairest of the fair and my favorite, miss contour. the only way she could have lost that last one is if miss nevada was a water slide.
and in other news, water is still wet: 11 celebrity couples that not so shockingly divorced or broke up this year
1) jane fonda and ted turner: reportedly their 9 year marriage ended when she became a christian. what upset him was that she thought some one else was god.
2) hugh grant and liz hurley: after 8 years they finally called it quits. she wanted to have children, he wanted to be one.
3) nicolas cage and patricia arquette: the couple were married for years but had never lived together. which is how they stayed married for years. they filed for divorce twice in 2000, apparently to make up for lost time.
4) harrison ford and melissa mathison: after 18 years of marriage he finally woke up and said, "wait a minute, i can't be stable. i'm a movie star!"
5) ben affleck and gwyneth paltrow: broke up, got back together, then broke up some more. some people think they did it all just for the publicity but she gave an interview to time, newsweek and people denying it.
6) puffy combs and jennifer lopez: broke up, now are reportedly engaged. remember, in hollywood breaking up before you get married is called, "rehearsing."
7) jim carrey and renee zellweger: were engaged, now have broken up. she had second thoughts after he proposed through his butt.
8) anne heche and ellen degeneres: hey, lesbian movie stars are just as nutty as the strait ones!
9) bruce willis and demmi moore: married for over a decade. it all ended when he happened to catch gi jane on cable.
10) hank azaria and helen hunt: they were together for years and years and years, then married. slightly over a year later, they divorced. i'm thinking they only tied the knot so they could get divorced like all their friends.
11) meg ryan and dennis quaid: or did you know about them all ready?
and if you can't trust her: 6 pieces of advice from joan "mommy dearest" crawford's autobiography, my way of life
1. "scrubbing is for me, the greatest exercise in the world. it give me rosy cheeks and i just have a ball." that and hitting people. of course, the scrubbing's more aerobic.
2. "regular exercise, all alone, can be boring. get all those pleasingly plump pals together and compete. a woman will give up anything-from a fudge sundae to a dry martini-to beat her fellow club members to a slim finish. you may loose a friend or two, but you'll gain loveliness and your husband's pride. that's worth a couple of fat friends." do you get the feeling joan's "fat friends" didn't stick around her too long anyway?
3. "i sit on hard chairs, soft ones spread the hips." and not only do the soft ones spread your hips, they're also much less fun to throw at people.
4. "avoid chintz." or suffer my wrath!!!
5. "i like the word "friend" instead of "mother." we wouldn't have adopted children if we weren't anxious to be their greatest friends." or unless we really, really needed a new maid who less than 5 feet tall.
6. and of course, "no more wire hangers!" okay, that wasn't in her book, but it should have been.
well, sure, but everyone who sleeps with him winds up famous: 4 women who were already famous when they reportedly slept with president clinton
1.marky post: one-time star of night court. but he was just using her to get to the guy who played bull.
2. barbra streisand: i'm a democrat. i voted for him twice. i'd have voted for him a third time if i could have. and you know what, i say we impeach retroactively on this one.
3. eleanor mondale: e-channel hostess. just working his way down to the xxx channel women.
4. sharon stone: claimed she'd love to run through the white house with clinton's underwear on her head. to which he made the famous questioning reply, "boxers or briefs?"
beam me the hell out of here: 3 things you didn't know about william shatner's love life
1. mexican actress vira montes sued shatner, for palimony, claiming they had a 6-year affair after meeting on the set of tj hooker. montes claimed the then married actor made her pretend to be his niece when traveling so they wouldn't arouse suspicion. sadly the scheme failed to work due to the fact that montes kept calling shatner her sugar daddy instead of her sugar uncle, as he had instructed her to do.
2. shatner's personal assistant, eva marie friedrick, sued shatner also for palimony. friedrick claimed that shatner dumped her after she was hurt in a car crash. after that, he took all her possessions from his trailer and put them on the roof for her to retrieve. (but then, she was his assistant, who else was he going to get to do it?)
3. early in his career, shatner was rumored to have slept with angie dickinson and joan collins. though to be fair, there's another rumor that he started that rumor himself.
i do. no, wait, maybe i don't: 4 celebrity couples that got engaged but who never married
1. julia roberts and keifer sutherland: she made her agent break the news to him, the night before the ceremony, that the wedding was off. years later she admitted she'd only done so because she was under the mistaken impression she'd have to change her name to mrs. keifer if they married.
2. julia roberts and dylan mcdermott: years later she admitted she'd only done so because she was under the correct impression she'd have to change her name to mrs. mcdermott if they married.
3. sean penn and elizabeth mcgovern: and every year, on the day they were to have wed, you can still hear a very loud, "phew," coming from her home in hollywood.
4. scott wolf and alyssa milano: it was a mutual thing. they both realized two semi-famous people didn't add up to one really famous person.
a rose named mel wouldn't really smell that sweet: 6 celebrities who had really odd real names
1. anne rice was howard allen o'brien. her parents wanted a boy. but apparently they were willing to settle for a girl with a twitch.
2. michael keaton: real name, michael douglas. changed it because he kept getting offered sleazy, greasy guy parts. tried to change it back when that other douglas guy married catherine zeta jones.
3. albert brooks: real name, albert einstein. and it didn't take an einstein to figure out he needed to change it.
4. john denver: real name, henry john deutchendorf:
5. stevie wonder was steveland morris hardaway: steveland. he had his own flag and everything. (national symbol of steveland was of course, a guy named steve)
6. mc hammer: real name, stanley kirk burrell. it's stanley time! (do-do-do-do. do-do, do do)
sis boom what????: 5 celebrities who believe it or not really were cheerleaders in high school
1. calista flockheart: and during half time the marching band would use her as a baton.
2. meryl streep: but i'm pretty sure she was just acting like a cheerleader.
3. susan lucci: then again, maybe that was just her evil twin sister, muffy.
4. steve martin: they kicked him off the squad when he kept trying to make balloon animals out of fellow cheerleader calista flockheart
5. madonna: what was she cheering for? the parties after the game?
john wayne-steinawitz lives: 6 stars who were badly miscast in ethnic roles
1. katharine hepburn as an ozark hillbilly in spitfire, as a chinese woman in dragon seed, and as a russian woman in the iron petticoat. yeah, 'cause when i think kate hepburn, the three things that come to mind are "hillbilly," "chinese woman," and "russian women wearing iron petticoats." um, well, one out three isn't bad.
2. john wayne as genghis khan. oh dear god, wasn't katharine hepburn available for the part?
3. marlon brando as a japanese man in the teahouse of the august moon. he would have been much better as either the moon or the teahouse.
4. mickey rooney as a japanese man in breakfast at tiffany's. like casting shaquille o'neal as mickey rooney.
5. spencer tracy as a mexican man in tortilla flat. hmm, we have a great part for a hispanic actor. i know! get me the most irish looking guy in history!
6. goldie hawn as a russian in the girl from petrovka. nyet.
habit forming: the strange case of 4 movie nuns
1. ingrid bergman in the bells of saint mary: ads for this film included the line "ingrid bergman has never been lovelier, hubba, hubba, hubba." given that bergman played a nun, it's probably safe to assume the writer is still doing penance.
2. mary tyler moore in a change of habit: moore admitted that she was the only woman ever to star with elvis and not wind up sleeping with him. that could have something to do with the fact that she plays a nun in this film who has to choose between god and the king. then again, perhaps that wasn't the problem; presley spent much of the shooting hitting on moore even while she was in her nun's habit.
3. dolores hart: ms. hart also starred in an elvis movie, and if mary tyler moore is to be believed, slept with the singer. that was then. hart is now a nun in real life; she is known as mother dolores, and if elvis were alive today he'd be hitting on her anyway.
4. shirley maclaine in two mules for sister sara: in this western, maclaine plays a hooker who poses as a nun. that's two mules, men in chaps, and a prostitute in a habit... the exact description of a dull monday night at home for jack nicholson.
burt reynolds, lee marvin and a screeching car alarm: 6 awful movie musicals
1. at long last love: featuring the singing of burt reynolds, madeline kahn and john hillerman (higgins from magnum pi). worse than you think. hell, worse than you can imagine.
2. paint your wagon: just think, at some point some executive had to actually say, "hmm, clint eastwood and lee marvin in a musical. i love it."
3. everyone says i love you: woody allen not only sings, he manages to convince julia roberts to fall in love with him. must have been because she's never heard him sing.
4. girls! girls! girls!: in which elvis presley becomes the first man to ever sing "song of the shrimp," at least in public.
5. lost horizon: features famed english actor john gielgud in the role of chang. think of mr. t playing juliet in romeo and juliet and you begin to get the idea.
6. chatter box: candice rialson plays a woman who has a singing... um. never mind.
they say it's our birthdays: 8 pairs of famous people who share the exact same birthday
1. january 19, 1943, janis joplin and princess margaret: just think, if they'd been switched at birth, we would have all grown up thinking prince charles was the normal one in the family.
2. jan 10, 1949, linda lovelace and george foreman: both took blows for a living.
3. february 11, 1921, eva gabor and lloyd bentsen: i knew zsa zsa, i slept with zsa zsa and eva, you're no zsa zsa.
4. february 25, 1943, george harrison and sally jessy raphael: okay, let me get this straight. john's the walrus, paul's the eggman, and who's that weird looking chick with the bad glasses?
5. march 31, 1948, al gore and rhea pearlman: and sometimes even tipper and danny devito can't tell them apart.
6. april 3, 1924, marlon brando and doris day: it's always been tough for her. by late march he's all ready bought every birthday cake in the hemisphere.
7. june 18, 1942, roger ebert and paul mccartney: every year paul sings "happy birthday to us," and every year ebert gives him a bad review.
8. july 6, 1937, famed stripper, candy barr, and the dalai lama: every year she pops out of their cake, and every year he vows to come back as her bra strap in his next life.
dubs more like it: 3 really odd stories about movie dubbings
1. the japenese, summer vacation 1999 (made in 1989, and no, i don't get it either) is about a gay fourteen-year-old boy living in an all-male boarding school. all the boys were played by fourteen-year-old girls. all of the girls voices, however, were dubbed in by fourteen-year-old boys. i'll come up with a snappy comment about this one, as soon as i figure out what the hell i'm talking about.
2. lauren bacall's character sings in to have or to have not, and producers wanted a professional to dub the song. bacalls's voice however was so deep that no one could find a woman singer who could match her convincingly, so they hired a man with an almost feminine quality... andy williams. they would have hired michael jackson but bacall's way butcher. and of course, he hadn't been born yet. but mostly, it was the part about him not being butch enough.
3. in singing in the rain, jean hagen plays a silent film star whose voice is so awful, her part in the film within a film must be dubbed by debbie reynolds' well spoken character. except in real life, reynolds didn't sound classy enough, so producers needed an actress to pretend to be reynolds pretending to be hagen. so they hired jean hagen who used her real (not reel) speaking voice. which means, and stay with me here, that debbie reynolds didn't sound enough like debbie reynolds, but luckily jean hagen didn't sound like jean hagen, so everything worked out fine.
mother does know best: 8 celebs who would have had really bad names if their mothers hadn't married
1. sylvester labofish (stallone): and yet, it feels oddly fitting doesn't it?
2. charlton charlton (heston): my son knobler knobler really likes that name though.
3. zuchowski (liberace): so bad he might have had to use a full name like the rest of us.
4. orson ives (welles): fine name for a butler, don't you think?
5. michael scruse (jackson): and don't forget that hit group: the scruse 5!
6. mick scutts (jagger): there is no doubt in my mind that had he been stuck with that name, mick would be a dentist today.
7. bruce zirilli (springsteen): just try and get someone to call you "the boss" with a name like that.
8. arnold jedrny (schwarzenegger): hard to believe he could have done worse, but there it is.
take me to your celebrity: 5 famous people who've seen ufo's
1. william shatner: captain kirk was on a motorcycle trip when he became stranded with no water and a broken bike. not only does shatner say he saw a ufo, he believes it telepathically led him to help and saved his life. others argue that if intelligent life was going to help shatner, they certainly would have discouraged him from doing tj hooker.
2. muhammad ali: actually claims to have seen ufo's a few times, like for example, right after his fights with george foreman.
3. jimmy carter: the only us president to have reported seeing an unidentified flying object. most experts believed mr. carter was in fact seeing the planet venus, though few could explain why on that night the planet venus was doing loop-de-loops.
4. jackie gleason: how sweet it is, the man who gave us ralph kramden saw a ufo twice, once while walking his dog. ironically, on several occasions other people reported seeing a ufo, when in fact they were just watching gleason attempt to play tennis.
5. orson bean: the actor, best known for his work on the show dr. quinn, medicine woman, not only saw a ufo, he became so freaked out that he and his wife abandoned the u.s. for australia... where presumably even aliens wouldn't bother going.
well at least we never had to watch oscar and felix make out: 4 truly odd on screen couples
1) luciano pavarotti and kathyrn harrold in yes, giorgio: no, dear god, giorgio, no! although to be fair, the thought of the giant opera singer doing a love scene with anything other than a large canned ham is pretty unthinkable.
2) katharine hepburn and bob hope in the iron petticoat: i'm still not sure which one of them would have been the one wearing that thing.
3) richard burton and rex harrison in staircase: the two played aging lovers. for those unfamilier with burton's and harrison's work, imagine clint eastwood and arnold schwatzenegger starring in a road company production of la cage aux folles.
4) julie christie and a computer in demon seed: and it wasn't even a mac. i mean they at least have those cute smiley faces.
the short bald man is ready to cut your hair now: 4 stars who had odd careers before they become famous
1) danny devito-hair dresser: devito worked in his sister's salon, where he was known as "mister danny," and his clients were known as "mrs. too drunk to know better."
2) luciano pavarotti-elementary school teacher: "there better be quiet in this room right now or so help me i'm gonna sing every note in pagliacci again."
3) author tom clancy-insurance agent: excelled at selling those "in case your house gets hit by a soviet mg" policies.
4) joe pesci-barber: is it just me, or do you figure this pesci use to "accidentally" cut people with the scissors every day?
but that would mean going to school: 5 celebrities and the jobs they wanted to take before they became famous
1) dustin hoffman -concert pianist: "oh wait, pianist. oh, that's different, i guess i will become an actor then."
2) alec baldwin -lawyer: "or i could just make gazillions of dollars for acting and then argue in my free time."
3) roberto benigni -priest: "say that part about women again·"
4) julia roberts -veterinarian: which would at least explain what she was doing getting engaged to kiefer sutherland.
5) angelina jolie -funeral director: luckily she found the next best thing; getting married to billy bob thorton and looking like a corpse.
but that's like telling me bill gates was in the chess club: 6 celebrities who not so shockingly were cheerleaders in high school
1) alicia silverstone: no truth to the rumor she only got on the squad because she made the other cheerleaders feel smart.
2) kathie lee gifford: and she wouldn't just cheer during games either. sometimes they'd catch her giving 'rah-rah's' during french class.
3) sally field: which couldn't have been easy considering she was also the flying nun at the time. sometimes they'd throw her up in the air and she wouldn't come down for hours.
4) kim basinger: and the guys on the field remembered to throw the ball how?
5) cameron diaz: she only joined the squad to meet boys. because i'm sure that was really tough for her.
6) sandra bulluck: of course that was back when she was perky. oh, wait, never mind.
here's something i bet you don't see on their resumes part deux: 5 more men who reportedly slept with barbra streisand
1) jon voight: imagine if she'd become angelina jolie's stepmom. man, then that chick would have been really crazy.
2) andre agassi: babs called him an old soul. with a really young tight body.
3) moishe dayan: do you want to make the, "well, he only had one eye," joke, or should i?
4) prince charles: which of course is how she became a jap and yes, i am jewish, so i can say that, so please don't write in.
5) president clinton: though it's hard to believe he'd stoop so low after gennifer flowers, monica lewinsky and paula jones.
here's something i bet you don't see on their resumes: 6 men who reportedly slept with barbra streisand
1) peter jennings: and people wonder why no one trusts the media.
2) warren beatty: tell me he's not a sex addict.
3) elvis presley: interesting chicken or the egg question. was elvis stoned when he slept with babs, or did he start getting stoned because he slept with her?
4) robert redford: nope, i can't figure this one out either.
5) don johnson: then she helped him record his musical debut. like the thought of them together wasn't causing enough pain.
6) omar sharif: sharif, he don't like it. (it's a rocking the casba reference, okay?)
all's well that ends well: 5 celebrities who had rocky starts in show biz
1) michael bolton: one of his early gigs was working as the opening act for ozzy osbourne. after which 10,000 fans tried to bite his head off.
2) jeri ryan: the star trek voyager sex-symbol fainted 4 times during her first week because her costume was so tight. interestingly, the same thing often happened to william shatner due to a too tight girdle.
3) brad pitt: prior to his big break, pitt was paid to dress like a giant chicken and hand out restaurant coupons. not only was the job low paying and demeaning, worse, marlon brando lived in the area and would on occasion have to be physically pried off pitt's wings and dark meat.
4) steven spielberg: anxious to break into show biz, the then 20-year old spielberg really did break in, sneaking into an empty office at universal and pretending he worked there.
5) bridget fonda: in her movie debut in aria, fonda is stripped naked, has sex and then commits suicide, all in just 8 minutes of screen time. she does not however, at any point, speak.
gunfight at the not so okay corral: 4 celebrities who were given licenses to carry a concealed weapon
1) gary coleman: now what you talking about willis? huh? huh?!
2) johnny carson: ever wonder why ed mcmahon laughed at all his jokes?
3) james caan: exactly who was it that thought this was a good idea? 4) jim belushi: and isn't it great to know that if big jim starts freaking out and waving his pistol around, gary coleman will be there to take his ass down?
so if you do everything backwards, will you wind up looking like julia roberts? 6 celebrities who never should have starred in exercise videos·but did
1) joan rivers: at least it's an easy tape to keep up with. all you have to do are three pushups and then six major operations.
2) angela lansbury: remind me again·in which murder she wrote episode did mrs. fletcher wear the thong?
3) zsa zsa gabor: no, it was her sister who starred in green acres. but you know what? that just means both new york and farm living aren't the life for me.
4) florence henderson: well sure it's easy for her to keep fit. alice is the one who did all the heavy lifting.
5) regis philbin: regis philbin in gym shorts. i don't care what the question is, there's no way that's the final answer.
6) shirley maclaine: the tape was titled, shirley maclaine's inner workout. "work that karma, feel the burn!"
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